Thursday, August 23, 2018

Shout out to my ex




It was raining.

I was waiting for an uber. Suddenly, I felt something vibrate on my purse.

It was my phone.

A call.

A call from an unknown number.

I usually do not answer calls from an unknown one. But I thought, perhaps it's the uber driver trying to locate me.

So I answered. "Hello, who's this?"

I heard a familiar voice. Saying my name.

I did not speak. I did not speak at all.

You called my name again.

I dropped the call. I can't. I really can't.

It has been a year. A year since we broke up.

I survived.

24 hours a day is excruciatingly long.

There were days I wish the clock would tick fast.

And yes, there were days I wished I slept forever.

But I survived. Thankfully I did.

I got over it. I told myself, if I can survive the painful days of the month, then I can definitely do it again on the next.

During the first month of our break up, I tried not to communicate with you with all my might. I hardly tried.

I applied the no contact rule. Thinking I could trick you or the situation; waiting for you to call me and say the words, "I want you back."

But you did not.

A month of no communication, I reached out to you. I asked how you have been. I told you I want to finally give you the chance to explain.

You said, "It's too late".

You were already together. And that you already want to try serious things with her.

What the hell?!

I cried.

We talked until 2AM.

I cried again.

I cursed at you. I raged.

I cried even more.

I asked again, "Are you sure you do not want this anymore?"

I startled with what you said next.

WE. ARE. DONE. JUST. ACCEPT. IT.

Six words. You ended our six years with six words.

Amazing!

I still remember the day when my friend told me she saw you with another woman.

Of course, I did not believe her and of course, you denied.

Back then, I wish I do not have the ability and skills to know the truth.

I wish I did not try to know the truth.

Maybe we would still be together. But what good would it do?

I know I was not the first woman to feel this kind of hurt, but I will not trivialize mine for the hurt that pierced through me could cover the pain I could feel for eternity combined.

I initially knew what to do.

Let go. Move on. Focus on myself. Enjoy singlehood.

I got so good at faking it.

I laughed hard every day. I raised my middle finger at my pain.

It worked for a while. Just for a little while. I managed to fool the people around me. Sadly, it was only the people around me.

I ran away from my emotions in hopes I could escape the ache.

But then, no matter how fast I run, sadness catches up and it creeps in to the very core. It screws me over.

I HATE YOU.

You promised me forever. I never thought our forever would be over.

I have given you everything. I was not just your girlfriend. I also became your Mom, your sister, your best friend and your teacher.

Remember the time when you had financial troubles because of school and I was there to iron it out for you?

Remember the time when you felt bullied by your relatives because of how different you act and think yet I stood up for you? I actually had a word war with your cousins.

Remember the time when you were so hopeless and almost gave up on your dreams? I did my best to convince you to try again.

Remember when you were so down that I used all my resources to make you feel better again?

Remember when you can barely function without me?

I guess not.

No. I am that sure you do not.

You were my world. I have given you everything you need. We have gone through a lot of ups and downs.

Your dream of becoming a licensed deck officer became my dream. We worked hard for it. I knew how important it was for you.

I continued to inspire and motivate you even if things were tough for me too.

I have been there for you. Through all the dramas and shit.

You promised me that as soon as you become an officer, we will start to plan our marriage.

You promised you won't let me endure the long commutes anymore for we will have our own car.

You promised to be there for me when things get hard.

But things started to change. Everything changed when my Dad died.

I instantly became the breadwinner of the family ergo my responsibilities piled up.

I was still mourning for my Dad's demise but for some reasons, you took the chance to break up with me. You said you wanted to focus on yourself.

I was like ‘are you kidding?’.

Soon after, you found yourself apologetic as you realized it was unfair.

A year has passed.

Your career was booming. You also developed a beautiful relationship with your family already.

You were just waiting for your licensure exam, of which you eventually passed.

I was happy for you. Your dream came true. Our dream became a reality. I felt really happy about it.

I even gave you one stem of red rose. Silly, I know. I do not even know what that is for.

I was waiting. Hoping you would propose. Yes, it is something I won't be ashamed of.

You told me you love me. And that I am your greatest love.

I believed you.

So, I told myself ‘Just wait. There is no need to rush’.

Until one day, I received a news that you were with another woman.

We had a confrontation and I decided not to talk to you for a long time. I want you to be punished with what you did. I wanted you to have a hard time and for you to realize that you did such a horrible thing.

But the joke was on me.

It gave you more room to pursue the other woman.

Why, my love? Why?

Am I not worthy of the love I have given you?

Did you just love me because you needed me? Was it only because it was convenient for you? Because I always provided for you?

Now that you already have the comfort and the things you need; don’t I have a purpose in your life anymore?

Why did you choose to hurt me and leave me during the time I needed you most? During the times I needed a partner to pull me up because I was falling apart?

That is not even the most painful part.

It was when you did your oath-taking to be a licensed deck officer and you took her to witness that moment instead of me; instead of me who was actually there for you when you were at the rock bottom.

How dare you?

Was she there when you were struggling with life? Was she the one who picked you up when you were torned into pieces?

For a time, I blamed myself. Thought maybe I was not good enough. That maybe there was something wrong with me. That I am hard to love. That I am not worthy of it.

But the universe has its own way of healing screwed ups like me.

Never have I imagined that devastation, sorrow, and misery would lead me to peace.

In between crying, binge drinking, and drama sessions with loved ones, I found solace.

It took time, yes. But I was surprised that one day, I got a different perspective.

I learned how to help myself enjoy being alone.

Being alone and not lonely is a gift. You will have endless chance to know yourself better and discover beautiful things.

When I heard your voice over the phone during that rainy evening, I thought my hard work of rebuilding myself failed.

I felt defeated because I cried buckets of tears upon seeing the messages you sent shortly after that call.

The following day, I realized that maybe, that is the full circle I needed. The closure I have been craving for.

It felt lighter. It felt good, to be honest.

I still do not want to hear from you, so I chose not to reply on your lengthy text.

I feel happy now.

Contented with my single life. Excited with new adventures that would come my way. Looking forward to work myself out to be "the one".

I do not need to look for the one. I should be it and love would be sure to chase me.

I am not in a hurry to date or be in a relationship either.

I am at the stage of my life where I found the perfect balance of having freedom and being responsible for my own happiness.

I now have the time to give love to myself that I unconsciously deprived for six years.

From now on, it would be about me and the amazing things that are meant to happen.

In case you are wondering, yes, I still miss you.

But I do not want to settle for anything less than I deserve.

I hope you are happy with her.

I know that deep down, you search, miss, and remember the way I loved you, but baby, you will never find me in her.

I hope you will never forget all the great things we shared.

Call me crazy but I wish it stings a bit whenever you are asked why you left me.

I know we had issues because you never trusted me. But whatever your reason is for leaving me, it will never, as in ever, ever be enough. 

Feel free to make yourself believe whatever makes you sleep at night.

Someday, I know that our paths will cross again. You are probably still with her.

Married with kids.

All your promises must have been fulfilled already. Just not with me.

I guess I have accepted the harsh reality that no matter how good I have been as a person, it is not a license for the universe to exempt me from the tragedies and heartaches that are meant to happen.

Life would still give you hell because it plans to. Because it’s meant to give you a lesson that is sure to bring out the better version of yourself.

Chill.

That is my favorite word now. Because that is the most applicable term for my life at the moment.

I am done chasing for a good life. I just enjoy what I have now.

I live one day at a time now and baby, believe me when I say it is magical.

Being single is fantastic.

So to you my ex, consider this our closure.

Goodbye!


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